Aries

March 21 - April 19

You will be misdiagnosed with jazz hands when your fingers start to move uncontrollably. They’re actually typing out “Hot Frosty” fan fiction. Place them on a keyboard and become the next great American novelist.

MacBook Pro

Taurus

April 20 - May 20

The symbol for Taurus is a bull, A.K.A. a male cow. A Big “Mac” is made of beef. The word “beef” kind of looks like “book” if you squint. Books fall through the “air” when you drop them. Coincidence? Absolutely. 

MacBook Air

Gemini

May 21 - June 20

You will meet a tall, charming, wealthy stranger. It won’t be the Galaxy ZFlip, because it’s a phone. Still worth buying one, though.

Galaxy ZFlip

Cancer

June 21 - July 22

Take some time this month to consider your astrological mascot, the humble crab. Ten legs. Two claws. One shell. Zero iPads. Don’t be like the crab.

iPad Air

Leo 

July 23 - August 22

It’s strange that you, Leo Tolstoy, get your own astrological sign. It’s also strange that you want a PS5.

PS5

Virgo

August 23 - September 22

Some of your favorite personalities will speak detailed messages directly into your ear. Fortunately for you, it’s easy to skip podcast ads.

AirPods

Libra

September 23 - October 22

A shadowy figure will grant you three wishes if you can tell him exactly how many steps from your front door to the Long John Silver’s by the highway. Strap on a smartwatch and start walking.

Apple Watch

Scorpio

October 23 - November 21

We wanted to research your sign, but the name “Scorpio”  kind of scared us. So we did our hair instead.

Conair Pro Hair Dryer

Sagittarius

November 22 - December 21

All your hopes and dreams will come true when those Milano cookie crumbs disappear (with a little help from a robot vacuum).

iRobot Roomba

Capricorn

December 22 - January 19

Capricorn makes us think of corn wearing capri pants. Pretty cute, right? Contemplate it over a (few) cups of coffee.

Cuisinart Coffee Maker

Aquarius

January 20 - February 18

Aquarius is Latin for "aquarium enthusiast" which makes sense because you’re going to drop your phone in a fish tank.

iPhone 13

Pisces

February 19 - March 20

A long-lost friend will tell you that the “C” in “Pisces” isn’t actually silent. Don’t believe them? Get an iPhone and google it.

iPhone 15